I'm a dirty bugger

My head is blocked, my nose is blocked and my chest is blocked. I'm feeling shit and I've been leaving Freshers Week behind because I'm too sick to party. This is not fun. Plus, I have no internet connection in my hall which is killing my link to the outside world. Funny that.
Just had my first Chinese class. Fantastic - turns out that for one semester of classes the books are going to cost £48. Just what I needed - some nice overpriced dead trees. Damn it, as though I don't have any other classes to worry about buying shit for.
On the other hand, have just confirmed that I've got a job working a reception desk 4:30-10:30 wednesday nights, which is fantastic. They say that most of the time you can just read your books and stuff, there's not much to do. I asked my boss on our 'introduction' evening why the 'supervisor' can't just do it all - he didn't really have much of an answer - I'm thinking there's really not much will to work hard there. The supervisor sits in the office looking over what the receptionist does and then sometimes goes onto the sports fields (that's what we're managing) to see what's going on. Why they couldn't just lock the office for five minutes whilst they check out the 'outside world' is beyond me - and it seems, beyond them too.
It gives me a job anyway so I'm happy; starts Wednesday which is good - means there's a chance I won't get overdrawn in the first two weeks of Uni. Fantastic.
Just let's wait until week three.

OK, so I'm here and all

And this place is at one moment completely fcuked up, and another moment appears to be the most fabulous place you could imagine. It's been a whacky few days and I feel like I'm eleven again, walking into secondary school all over again with a dorky haircut and new shoes - only this time there are 8,000 other people doing the same thing at the same time, so it's not so bad.
They always say that making friends at Uni is difficult - perhaps it's just the fag in me, but since I seem to introduce myself to everyone I see, I don't seem to be having that problem. Funny eh! I'm just waiting to turn around and see that in fact, though I thought I was surrounded by friends, they've all gone to the bar without me and forgotten what the fuss was about... "there was a guy called patrick? - how odd!"

And the whole alcohol poisoning thing is really overrated - I spent two hours last night coaxing one of my friends into drinking sugared water and cookies - she'd had quite a bit to drink - the beginning of which was half a bottle of Schnappes - and that's 500ml she had there - no joke.

I feel so worthy, and knackered.

Oh yeah

... I should say... I'm at Uni now - my parents drove me up with a typical 'so... how do you feel about being gay... kind of talk" but now I'm just hanging around.

My internet doesnt' work where I live, so if you actually care about this site (judging by the numbers, I doubt it) I'm not going to be very regular (so to speak) over the next few weeks - internet isn't predicted via the crystal ball of British Telecoms until the middle of October; take your time guys, no rush. It's not like we're PAYING for it or anything!
damn it.

I'm so fucked

and my eyes are killing me.
The other day my dad said to me "so, do your sisters know about your gayness", and I go, completely unfazed, "yeah...".
I couldn't believe it! He works in a fucking education department for god's sake.... "your gayness" - I love that, it's like the queen!!!
I saw two guys from my old school today, at this club in my uni.... they're still hot... fucking hot... though now, I don't care about coming on to them - if they don't like it, they just have to say so!

Enjoy boys!

Snotty

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This image always makes me laugh. She's' completely insane. And, though the text for the image says she's my sister, she's not; I don't know why I wrote that - she's my cousin.
Stupid brain...


This pic's here because I'm testing out Flickr after getting annoyed by how Hello by Picassa by Google didn't have Mac support. I really liked Hello, but that's life really - fickle consumers. Mr Doctorow over at boingboing.net uses Flickr and so, garnered my interest when I saw some of his pictures recently. Best of all, there's a plugin for iPhoto, so iEverything can be iDone in house. Which is nice - it's nippy, humourous (they ask whether you've read their fascinating terms of service... I didn't).

Anyway, it's fun.

This scares me.

It scares me, it makes me feel alone, and it reveals how much misunderstanding and hate there is in the world.
Also, read the interview with his sister Kathy and with Derek Henkle, the gay rights activist.

"On February 19, 1999, Billy Jack Gaither, a thirty-nine-year-old gay man who worked at the Russell Athletics apparel company near Sylacauga, Alabama, was brutally beaten to death. His throat was cut, and his body was bludgeoned with an ax handle before being thrown on top of a pile of tires and set on fire. In the weeks following the killing, two men came forward to police as the killers: Steven Mullins and Charles Monroe Butler. Butler, the younger of the two, came forward to police first. He described the night of the murder in great detail: how he had never heard of Billy Jack Gaither prior to the night of the killing; how his friend Steve Mullins found him at a bar playing pool and asked him to take a ride into the woods with himself and Billy Jack; how Billy Jack started "talking queer stuff" that set off a violent reaction in Butler; and then how he stood by as Mullins beat Billy Jack to death. In June of 1999, Steven Mullins pled guilty to capital murder; Butler stood trial and was found guilty of the same charge by a jury. In August of 1999, both Mullins and Butler were sentenced to life in prison without parole."

PBS Frontline:: Billy Jack Gaither

Bitch Fighting for Boeing

"Talks to resolve a dispute between the European Union and America over alleged unfair subsidies to plane maker Airbus ended in deadlock yesterday, raising fears of a trade war between the two blocs."

--Guardian

"Sen. Patty Murray, D-Wash., called the outcome of yesterday's talks "disappointing." She disputed the comparison of the state's 7E7 package with the loans Airbus received in advance to develop its new superjumbo A380 jet.

"There's a big difference between the tax incentives that Washington state offered to Boeing and the launch aid or the direct cash payments from European governments to Airbus," Murray said. "Boeing has never received a cash advance to build a new plane."

--Seattle Times

"The Bush administration and the Boeing Co. have demanded a 12-year-old treaty with the Europeans be scrapped and a new one negotiated that eliminates the Airbus subsidies.
The 1992 treaty allowed European governments to provide Airbus with about one-third of the money it needed to launch a new aircraft, though the subsidy was supposed to decline over time. The treaty was negotiated at a time when Boeing was the dominant manufacturer of commercial airplanes, but Airbus has now outpaced Boeing.

Boeing has said that about one-third of the $13 billion Airbus has spent developing its new 555-seat superjumbo A-380 airliner was provided by European governments.

--Sacbee

Of course, Boeing doesn't always play as clean as they claim with lower taxes following job cuts, more tax incentives and factories built by the port authority. No-one's hands are clean here. Airbus's use of government backed loans is, I feel, far less questionable than the vast financial hand-holding that Boeing benefits from. Whilst they pretend to be the hard done by party, appearing to be long suffering in the face of mean socialist Europeans, Boeing is no less guilty of federal assistance than anyone else.

Guardian
Seattle Times
Sacbee

f8e825eausb

It took so long to get this damn thing to work. I got this with C the other day, and have been trying for hours to make it connect. Though I hate the trackpad on my laptop less than I used to, I still don't have a real love for the thing, and so I got this mouse. It's fabulous - a little dongle plugs into the side of the computer via USB and then the AAA powered mouse communicates via (I assume) bluetooth. There's also a little USB extension cable to the dongle can be placed a little further from the computer - allowing greater reach. My qualm was getting it to work with OS X as there's no documentation on this anywhere that I can find, but somehow, after simply fiddling with the powerbook's system options for mice, it works. It really does 'just work'!

I jumped up and down. Fab little thing - a proper (and small) wireless mouse for my laptop - superb!
link

Miquita Oliver

This BBC Radio 1 program that goes out in the deep dark depths of the night - 3AM - is fantastic. Hosted by the amazing Miquita Oliver, famous for co-hosting the pop-centric Popworld program for Channel 4's afternoon/summer laziness show for teens called 'T4'.
The balance is different in this show as she doesn't have her unbelievably camp co-host Simon Amstell by her side. The show doesn't miss him though as they cover a wide swath of topics and seem to have an interest in just about everything.
It's a great alternative to the normal late-night 'soothing music' radio shows that so many stations adopt - it's different, it's perky and it's fun. Definitely recommended.

Oneclick Magazine

Lets eat some raw eggs

They say it's good for you. There's a lot of protein in an egg - especially when it hasn't been cooked. For some reason, cooking the egg denatures the protein and so it's really thought to be best to eat eggs that haven't been cooked. I'm just home from my night of clubbing and, though it's 4:10 and I'm feeling rather under the influence, I've managed to force myself to down two uncooked eggs. I mixed them up with milk and simply drank them. If I hadn't been drinking I don't think I'd have had the courage to actually take them; it's a pretty disgusting idea and a pretty disgusting taste.

I just have to keep thinking how it's meant to make you look good - muscle without the fat! Yeah!

Eugh, I need some water! NOW!

Came out to her

I just came out to my mother. I jumped into the car as she was driving off to a conference - the first time I'd been able to catch her alone for ages, and simply told her. She wasn't negative, she wasn't postive, she was simply all right. I think with time she'll come around to the view that having me as a son really isn't all that bad.

Now I'm rushing to go out with the guys (what a heterosexual phrase is that!) and have to get from home to bar in twenty minutes. There's no way!

Love..... Patrick

Leno: Liberal!

Jay Leno - famous for sitting on the fence - has given a tell all interview to the LA Weekly. It's a read!

"When you and I were talking on the phone, you said, yeah, maybe because of 9/11, maybe because of the Iraq invasion, there were periods when you gave Bush a pass.

Oh yeah, during 9/11, I gave Bush a pass. And I remember about two months had gone by, and then one day I sensed that maybe people were ready. And I remember I said, “Folks, if you don’t laugh at this joke, that means the terrorists have won.” And it got a huge laugh. And it wasn’t that funny. But they sensed that, now that it looks like the administration is using this as a crutch, it’s okay to come in slowly with the jokes and roll them in. I remember that joke was a turning point.

And you admit you gave Bush another pass because of Iraq?

When the war starts and troops go over, you give our president the benefit of the doubt. And then you realize the wool was pulled over our eyes here a little bit. I remember they always said the Vietnam War was over when Walter Cronkite said, “This is wrong.” Up to that point, was he a sellout? No, he was just reporting the news as he saw it. For the first few months of the war, the jokes all tended to be rah-rah. Anything other than Bush. Jokes against Osama bin Laden. And the French.

How do you make sure your political comedy is evenhanded?

I don’t have a file. So I don’t keep track. I get letters all the time that say, “How come you never make fun of Bush.” And I go, “What show are you watching?” I probably do twice as many Bush jokes as I do Kerry jokes. And then I get letters from people who say the same thing about Kerry. But I do a lot more Bush jokes."

link

Dirty Dancing

On a dirty, slutty, techno note, I saw the Eric Prydz (pronounced liked skides not prides) video. It's obvious and cheap, but (even to a me!) kind of hot. I get the whole gym workout thing... Funny routine, I've never seen an instructor act quite like this in a class before, but there's got to be a first time for everything!

Call On Me Video link

Check out the bits

This jewelry really is stunning - lots of different pieces of glass and such in an unfussy, unpretentious and graceful arrangement.
If it wasn't so much for girls, I'd want one. Good idea though, if anyone ever needs a bit of sparkle!


I foung this via Meg Hourihan, the Pyra co-founder. They made blogger, not the game for the game cube - Spyro. I always get those two confused in my head, even though I only played the game once with a kid I was babysitting. I liked the game, but was, as with all console games, rubbish at it. For the longest time I also thought it was called Spyra, which sounds rather more sinister. Anyway, 'Meghan' 's blog is fun in a professional and smart way, which I compare with mine which is fun in the self-centered, attention-seeking way...


link

Family Teambuilding

My mother and I have just finished making a massive batch of marbled brownies. I made some brownies the other day with C and she'd never even HAD brownies until a couple days before. I was floored by that. This time around we didn't cook them for quite as long (whoops!) and rather than having chocolate bread like we did then, we now have a beautiful batch of (I hope) moist, fattening, cholesterol laden goodness. I can't wait.
Though I do loads of exercise (! - not recently - !) I am the ultimate pig, I'll eat almost anything, especially if it's chocolate laden. Anything! That means you boys!

So yeah. The whole time I was trying to get an opportunity to come out to her. I leave for college in just over two days and I don't want to go without telling her. If I find some guy I really like when I'm there, I do not want to come home and not be able to be proud of him. Of course, that's one massive 'if' but it's a thought... I would be sitting there after exhausting my right arm... stirring the batter... and looking for a way in, for an opportunity. But of course I chickened out and didn't. I also think that she probably has an inkling that I'm going to try and tell her, but doesn't want me to. Of course she'll want me to be honest with her but I think that deep down, she's scared. If I were her, I would be too.

My sister told me the other day that she and my mom had talked about 'it' once. Only once and almost in passing. My mother had said how she wasn't sad about the fact that I'm gay, but that I'll have a much harder time in life as a result. I feel bad for her because in a way, I don't feel like I'll have to struggle because of it. She's lived through the gay liberation, through the time when being a homosexual was really thought of as a morally reprehensible idea, and she lived through that whilst one of her best friends was a lesbian. She's not averse to gays, but I still feel hesitant. I'd never considered that my life would be more difficult - I suppose you see what's around you as 'normal' and don't consider that how you have to live your life is more difficult than others.
Yes, there's the 'is he gay' thing when you see someone - you can't just assume a positive like all normal guys could when looking at a girl. Yes, one has to look over ones shoulder when going out to clubs, coming out of clubs, walking in the districts near clubs because they're normally in rather dodgy areas of town and you have to be careful of who might dislike you... Yes, you're far more susceptible to all the STIs going around, you're far more likely to die of HIV/AIDS than straight people. And yes, you have to consider, even within your own family, who you can or should tell - a bad reaction could mean much more than them simply not talking to you. However, I'd never considered these things to be difficult, I always have simply viewed them as a fact of life and something that one does. I don't really like having to think about whether my grandparents who at the moment appear to adore me, would even let me in the house again if I were to tell me, but that's life. Everyone has news that every once in a while may come across as bad, mine simply has the potential to always be taken badly.
I can't help it.

I think I may take a ride with her tomorrow morning to her work. I think I'll try and jump in the car with her and just sit there and talk. She'll be in traffic, I'm going to be ready for her and I'll just seize the goddawful issue by its neck and wringe it to death.

If I have the courage.

Apple screws the UK consumer

Hoping that no-one will notice and that we'll just continue to suck up the price inflation that's been following UK consumers for what feels like the last decade. Thank god for the EU making this kind of thing illegal. And whilst I write this on a brand new Apple Powerbook, I hope Apple and all the music sites get the slapping they deserve. I've long regretted this kind of practice - it's time something was done about it.

"The CA has written to the UK Office of Fair Trading (OFT) explaining the situation and highlighting that the current position is possibly in breach of European law. Under Euro law all consumers in all member states should enjoy the same benefits that the single market brings - it's like if citizens in Seattle had to pay more for their iTunes music than the rest of America. Clearly with a differential between iTunes UK (79p, 1.15 Eu) and Germany & France (0.99 Eu, 67.7p UK) there is not a level playing field. Those UK citizens who understand that they can use either the French or German sites to order directly on find they are charged the UK price if they are not able to supply as an address in either of these countries."


link

Despite the time, I will sleep

It's only midnight, and though that's six hours away from the hour that I've been getting to sleep of late, I think I'll give it a go tonight.... might as well!
One reason I feel able to sleep (perhaps) is that I went out and exhausted myself on a run, attempting to get into training for the Great North Run - a half marathon in Newcastle that's taking place only two weeks from now. I don't know if I'll be able to do it - especially with all the drinking that I'll be 'obliged' to do during Fresher's week at uni, but I'll attempt to make an effort! What's there to lose - I have to get my muscle tone back anyway.... might as well do it this way.

My PR release

In this instance PR is not public relations, but perhaps more 'personal relations' in the public realm. I can't seem to sort it out any other way and so I think this private/public mix will work. I think it's right; I don't want it to be wrong.

What I wanted to say was that I'm sorry; not perhaps for what anything that I did, but for how I reacted. I can put on a mask with the best of them, but sometimes events just get to you and there's no way to react but with your guttural instincts and immediate responses – your real face shows through. My immediate reaction to my dilemma was to keep in contact - to try and maintain a false sense of closeness as much as possible, and to be honest that failed badly. It failed with a big fat capital F.
This is not a situation that I'm used to being in, I normally try to keep my distance from guys because I don’t want to get involved, attached and disappointed. As a result I haven’t known how to cope with my heart ripped apart – it has not been my most enjoyable experience this summer. I got so involved, got so wrapped up in the affect that I forgot to realize how it would have to end, that it would have to be bad no matter what happened because, with some situations there is no other way. And now I don’t apportion blame for how it is, for the situation.
There are things that could have been done differently, but I didn't know what at the time, didn't know how to cut myself off and become part of England again, letting go of where I had been. Missing not only a group of friends, but a whole country and way of life is very difficult to cope with. I slept in the same bed as two different people consecutively for about a month each, and when I left them, when I left them both, on the same day at the airport, I didn’t react; couldn’t react. I didn’t break down and sob at the time, because it didn’t hit me that I would not have them like I had, that I would again be alone. I’d been living a life as though it was going to carry on, as though there were no end to the situation and I could just float through the world enjoying life. However, international visas, college requirements and flight bookings slapped that idea in the face, making me take a beautiful thirty hour journey back home to become exhausted and disorientated by my ‘real’ family and their everyday personalities. It wasn’t until a few days later that I was exposed to the fullness of it. I woke up, falling off the side of my single bed, not now fighting for blankets but alone and cold. I missed her and I missed him so much that I felt compelled to call, to explain my hurt.
It became clear to me however that, though I may have wanted to keep the two of us going, to keep together, for one reason or another that would not work.

I’m still working through it and getting used to the idea of simply being friends - because I hope that’s what we can be. What I’ve found amazing about the web over the last few years is how easy it makes staying in touch and staying close if you’re willing to make the effort. She and I are such great friends that now, we can call each other over the net with Skype and talk about nothing at all – talk whilst IMing other people, talk whilst sorting laundry, simply talk – and for free. We talked tonight about what, I don’t know. I was missing some photos from our trip and we talked for an hour and two minutes whilst looking for them.

And yet, I stayed with you for almost a month, really felt I had an insight into you, but still feel scared. I’m so scared that I don’t feel I can contact you, can call you because now, it’s not what we are, it’s all about what we were. There is no laughter left, only pain and fear. All I can say is that I really had fun, I really miss having you as a friend, and that I’m sorry things haven’t turned out to be as perfect as I for one had hoped they might be. The idea of perfection is almost always disappointed but I don’t feel guilty for aiming for something good. Though I got wrapped up in it whilst you were able to rip apart the present’s paper covering and move on to greater and more important things, I’m a different person now, and I value that.

Had this never happened I’d still be fresh to the world of anguish, unready for something I now feel I can prepare myself for, and therefore I’ll now be more adjusted and primed for loss in the future. Whether that’s really true, I don’t know, but at least I can look back now and say, “well, this time isn’t quite as bad as I had it before”.

"Thanks for the summer. Thanks for putting up with me, with my funny accent, funny looks, funny words and funny behaviour. Though I’m scared of you, an odd enough thing for me at the best of time, it’d be good to hear from you… If you ever need someone to email, someone to call, I’m around and I’m waiting - I'd be happy to hear from you."

Patrick

What if your wife asks you...

"What if your wife asks you to remove the trash can from under the counter? What's your strategy?"


"I say, "You do it. I lost a leg in Iraq." "

Doonesbury

I think I think too much

When I think too much, especially when I think about myself, I get a headache. Plus, it's really depressing.



I feel like my head's going to implode.

Predicting earthquakes, saving lives...

"When it comes to earthquakes, however, patterns are prone to pitfalls.


In 1974 the Chinese government -- responding to signs of an imminent earthquake, rising groundwater and erratic behavior in animals -- ordered the people of Haicheng out of their homes and into the street. Nothing happened.


Six weeks later they did it again -- and Haicheng was devastated by a 7.3 earthquake. More than 2,000 people were killed, but the precautionary evacuation of buildings was credited with saving 150,000 lives.


A year later, however, no one predicted the 7.6 earthquake that struck Tangshan, with a population of more than 1 million. That quake killed more than 250,000 -- perhaps as many as a half-million people."

link

Buzzzinnnnn!!

"Mama i'ma Millionaire but I feel like a bum.
Mama i'ma Millionaire but I feel like the only one.
I,I,I,I woke up early this mornin,
I don't think ya'll heard me,"

kelis.co.uk


Yeah. Tonight/this morning was Phil's Birthday. I gave him the most fabulous card that I felt bad in parting with it! I should have stopped there but wanted to bring something else, so I got some of those little Absolut taster bottles and thought I'd give them to him as a bit of a laugh. It wasn't funny - turned out I had to carry them around for like an hour and smuggle them into the bars before actually being able to get them to him. It was unnecessary. Anyway, apart from that odditiy, his evening was the best I've had in a really long time. He's got some amazing friends that are a real blast. It'll be strange not being around him, and them, every Thursday and Saturday nights.

Some friends you like, some friends you understand and others you miss. He's going to be one of those. I really hate leaving people behind and it seems that this is going to be an issue for much of my life because I can never decide country, let alone what city I want to live in. Phil's one of those guys that really just understands what other people's lives encompass and empathises without being a patronising twit like most of the world's population. I hope I find someone to be my guy who's as funny, kind, vulnerable, enthusiastic, sarcastic, did I say funny and encouraging as Phil is. What a find.

Phil, like you said to me tonight, Don't be a stranger, I couldn't take it.

Whenever I'm back in Burminum I want to be FORCED into coming out and having a stupidly enjoyable time, not matter how knackered, heart broken or apathetic. The last few weeks have been tough in one way or another, but your giggles make it all seem funny!

Happy Birthday!

*cries*

"i've just been told at my induction day, "don't be under any illusions, you will have absolutely zero social life this year. it's work, work, work."

then again we had a lecture in time management which over-ran by 15 minutes, so i am somewhat sceptical."

link

And this is the University I'm going to.... I can't decide whether I'll fit right in or reveal myself by compulsive giggling in the corner whilst I gasp out "this... can NOT... be... real!"

My sisters haven't come home

And now I feel like the nosey younger brother, bothering them and checking up where they are - just like my parents did to me until about 12 months ago. The problem with my deal is a) I have no idea where my older sister was going, b) she was going out with one guy she doesn't know well to she-doesn't-know-where, and c) it's almost two AM and she's not home, and not answering her phone..
My younger sister has gone to a friend's house and since it is now two AM I'm presuming that she's staying over there - that would be one great night in if she was so enthralled by what they were doing to not come home by now.
This evening has sucked - I'm still suffering alcohol overload from last night's binge, I cooked dinner for my sisters that they didn't eat, I spent three hours sorting out my new wireless router and getting it to connect, and now have had to wait up until the awful hours to see that my sisters get home safely! I'm giving up and going to sleep. My eyes hurt and I'm bored of their lack of responses.

Eyetracking News

A site that's come to me via boingboing, analyses the way that people use and read news websites, the areas of the page and text that they focus on most, and the general approach of consumers to the presented page. This was done by tracking the movements of roughly 250 San Francisco residents whilst they were using simualted news webpages and then analysing the results of how the read the page. It sounds dry, but is actually fascinating reading. And don't just read the headline.

The image shows is a 'heatmap' of user's eye movements when looking at a blurb following a headline.

"Particularly interesting was people's behavior when there were headlines and blurbs used on homepages. Eyetrack III test participants tended to view both the headline and blurb when the headline was bold and the same size as blurb text and immediately preceded the blurb on the same line.


With a headline larger than the blurb and on a separate line, people tended to view the headlines and skip the blurbs; they scanned the headlines throughout the page more than the group that looked at the smaller headlines."

link

Miss E

Sometimes I just have nothing to say. Today feels like one of those days - it's the alcohol seeping though me I think, and I have to let it just go. This of course means that I don't really have too many opinions or 'original' thoughts, so I end up posting lots of links, but hopefully they're interesting ones.
Missy Elliott has a new line of clothing out for adidas - it's part of their 'heritage' line of non-sports clothing. Her line is called 'Respect ME' . You get the symbolism - she never fails to stamp her logo on anything she does, but most of the time it's ok because she's so original and <>i>so cool that you can't fail to admire her.
The clothes are perhaps a little too 'out there' for me, or even at times too conservative - she doesn't really get the balance quite right, but it's an interesting start. The Cher esque details on some of the jackets are so 80's it makes me laugh, but ther yoga-appropriate training sweats in bright camoflage colours look pretty cool...
Anyway, Missy's got new stuff out, check it out.

link

Best quote from Wired News story

""At first blush this might not sound profound; however, most students showed up in our lab with zero computer skills," Sun said. "They so desperately wanted fluorescent pink key chains that they eagerly spent hours in the process, despite the fact that Ghanaians don't have a lot of keys generally, so these objects weren't all that useful.""

link - Ghana gets a Fab Lab

Highly Homosexual Clothing

LA Sporting Club - designed for 'sports'!
link

Seminal School-Portrait Photographer Dies At 92

PHOENIX—Henry Anszczak, the photographer whose influential work revolutionized modern school portraiture, died Sunday at his family home in Eloy. He was 92.

The Onion.com

'Wait, did she just get raped or what?'

Children of the Corn : learning about sex through books, an essay on nerve.com.

"The sex parts, rare and oblique as they were, felt familiar to me, too — my first little horny urges also felt dirty and wrong and confusing. When Cathy, letting Chris treat her wounds after being beaten by their grandmother, says "it felt odd to be kissed while lying naked in his arms . . . and not right," I could certainly relate to the sentiment, if not the circumstances. And I wasn't alone.
    "I can't remember what I reviewed six months ago," a magazine-writer friend admits, "but I could tell you every plot detail from the Judy Blume, Sweet Valley High or Ramona books. Those were all exciting, but Flowers in the Attic was a different kind of 'Whoa!'"

   "These books really got me tingly, and they made me feel like my parents and teachers were oblivious fools," a novelist friend says. "I read the damn things in class and in carpool and at Christian summer camp and no one ever thought to ask what the basic premises were. Also, they addressed two troubling issues that all teens struggle with, namely, incest and arsenic poisoning, which really helped me to feel a little less alone in the world."

www.nerve.com

Hung, Drawn and Quartered

I felt completely ripped apart this morning after replying to an email I'd received. I think I knew what was coming, knew what I'd have to say in reply and would have to agree to both sides, but I still didn't want the situation to arise. Afterwards I had to carry on, whilst, having slept no more than four hours a night for the last two weeks, all I wanted to do was crawl back into bed and whimper. I forced myself, as we were driving around the city, to listen to upbeat music, pop hits that have relentlessly upbeat tempos and continually optimistic lyrics for otherwise I think I would have just jumped out of that car and walked away.
I hate ineveitability and all that it carries around its neck, and I hate it even more when I have to agree with what that inevitable consequence is. Just overall, it's really fucked up. However, one of the plus points is that now I can truely look forward to tomorrow night when I can finally go out and feel free rather than hesitant and guilty because I should be waiting for something. One of my best friends in the world has just had his birthday - spend babysitting for family (isn't that fabulous, shows what a great guy he is) - and now we're going to party!
Or at least get pissed. whichever he prefers.

For some reason tonight, I go to sleep smiling, and I love it. Tonight, I look forward to not thinking, not analysing and being calm; it's fantastic!

Which OS are you?

I love this random verdict of my personality - it's very flattering. Everyone should work out what OS they are, it's very theraputic, plus the quiz is a giggle too. Unfortunately I'd never heard of the HP-UX OS until the moment it was decided that that's the OS that I was, but I don't think that detracts from the effect. I like the comment, that's all!

*Hick*

It's 3AM and a guy has just walked past my house, in the dead of night, wandering from the sidewalk into the street, wavering along his path and all the while hiccupping. Every couple yards he give out a big 'Huc' type noise and stumbles on his way. It's so quiet around here at night that his adventures are the only sound.
*huc*

Had a Hawk..

When I went down to our kitchen this morning, I look outside my window to see a) a massive sprawling tundra of pigeon feathers on our lawn, and b) a hawk just a few metres away, eating said pigeon.
See the picture in the moblog on the right. It was very strange to see this bird, which to be honest looked very small, just casually eating another bird in my garden.
Surreal.

I thought it was a falcon at first, but Simone graciously corrects me and it turns out the bird was a European Sparrow Hawk (Accipiter nisus), which is smaller than the Peregrine Falcon and has a less pointy wings and a smaller head. To explain, I thought it was a young peregrine, but looking at the link that she sends me, I think she's right. Plus, she knows everything about birds, and I just know that it's a cool looking bird.

Thanks Simone!

Randomness to read

Strange Horizons Fiction
Journey into the South
Cho and the WM3
Blog - Digital Flotsam

I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH LAUGHING

I think it's because most things that people claim are funny really, aren't. They're mildly amusing. People around me crack up whilst I just about break into a grin. Where did those facial muscles go? The point of this is that, Patricia is a hoot. in the "I am a hoot" kind of way. I've never managed to keep up the pretention of an IM conversation nearly as long as this one must have lasted. It's a marathon, and hilarious. One miniscule clipping from the pair of loony's conversation:

"Pea: oh my god. did you see what tiffani was wearing today?

pea: like, as if.

jules: and did you see her flirting with david? right in front of his girlfriend? ohmygod i couldn't believe it

pea: i know right! but i heard david is only talking to tiffani to make his girlfriend jealous. last saturday she was all over John, from the football team.

pea: but he's only on JV so i don't know why she's bothering.

jules: No way! Are you serious? Wait until I tell candy! She's just gonna die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pea: No, you can't tell. I promised I wouldn't say a word to anyone.

pea: Promise!

jules: ok, i promise.....as if!
"

link

Millions of voters told to evacuate Florida...

Ironic Times

Brutal honesty by blog

"Suppose to be going over to my grandparents this evening to ensure my place in the will.  £40K at stake to sit bored for a couple of hours."

GDAYSCOTT

Shooting it.

Have just been browsing though the Kodak e-zine which the company publishes online, having arrived there from their Peregrine Falcoln page - I'd decided to look into the falcons, find out about them because we had one eating a pigeon in my backyard this morning. Anyhow, the magazine has some great tips and showcases of photography of different types from major photographers who have vast amounts of experience. The pointers on how to best shoot macro nature images - which would mostly mean flowers - are particularly relevant to me, but there's something for everyone on the page, especially if you can't be bothered to go though the hassle of buying a photography book but would rather simpy have some ideas to incorporate into one's own experimentation....

link

How much distain can a 13 yo have?

She's Motown's new thing, their little toy who'll point at the Coke can and pretend to drink, make appearances at Planet Hollywood and sing on instruction. Poor thing; she'll have a crazy, fun, exhausting, humbling, strengthening experience over the next few years, but whether it'll be good for her in the end, who knows.
All the same, she's been styled to look like an inner city fashion brat. She's barely into middle school! Come on - "Ice is nice, but I'm looking for more" (?!?). Yeah, that's one tweenager with a shed-load of diamonds.
Right

JoJo Online

I know almost nothing about Albert Schweitzer.

I had never heard of him until about three minutes ago and still know very little. He received a 1952 Nobel peace prize in 1953 because in '52 they had 'withheld' the prize. Apart from being a concert organist and historian of the composer JS Bach, he established a hospital at Lambaréné in French Equatorial Africa in 1913, having changed his mind from originally visiting Africa as as religious missionary.

Nobel Biography
The Albert Schweitzer page

Carry the flag?

I don't want to be an issue case, don't want to be held in a glass display and don't want to be the token 'gay boy'.
I don't want to be a case study, something to marvel at like a charity case. Coming out to some people makes me feel like I'm receiving aid from some well meaning, preaching Peace Corp worthy, someone who wants to show how appropriate and accepting and admirable their behaviour is by really trying to understand.
Live a little people; go with it, but please, don't analyse.

On a related note, I feel completely isolated from my friends. I want to talk to them but they're not around. They're all doing something else, something that's important and again, worthy. To interrupt, I must say I loathe Joan Baez; her voice warbles like and eighty year old, and I don't care how liberal and anti-war she is, I don't listen to music for my politics, I get that from books. Anyway. There's no-one else here. Everyone is old. A's got something like fifteen years of my personality in her - I think she can just 'get' me. I don't know anyone else like that, and I don't have the energy to generate new friendships today.
I feel like I'm my own fucking shrink...... . .

The Pope says today..

That gays are a threaten the survival of society:

"The institution of marriage necessarily entails the complementarity of husbands and wives who participate in God's creative activity through the raising of children," said the pontiff, according to the text of the speech released by the Vatican.

"Spouses thereby ensure the survival of society and culture, and rightly deserve specific and categorical legal recognition by the State.

"Any attempts to change the meaning of the word 'spouse' contradict right reason: legal guarantees, analogous to those granted to marriage, cannot be applied to unions between persons of the same sex without creating a false understanding of the nature of marriage."

Isn't the whole idea of marriage supposed to embody commitment and love? Because one is of the same sex doesn't mean taht the institution is degraded - the fact that gays and lesbians want to marry shows that they understand the principles behind the institution and value what they stand for - shown by the determination to obtain these benefits. It makes me cringe, how people don't understand, or wish to...
link

Kenya Bird

My friend Simone has an African Grey Parrot that really likes talking. If there's ever anyone around in the house and she can hear them but can't see them then she'll just start talking, rattling away to herself. Or of course if she's just feeling conversational she'll go for it, talking to whoever can stand it... Normally she screeches imitations of the dogs Joey and Casey or perhaps imitates Simone's mom calling her brother Gabe. I can just imagine the voice because it's clear that the real thing happens enough for the bird to get a pretty great impression of what she should be sounding like!

"Kenya birdie bird. Kiss. Go get it Joe! Jojojojojo!! Here hawk. Up! Joey Joey. Hey. What's the matter Casey? Up. Come here. Up. What? Up. Go ahead. Here Joe. Gabe! Oh! GABRIEL!! Beep, beep, beeeeep. KELLY! GABE! GABRIEL! Joey. Joey. NO. Gabriel. Shelby. Come here. Up. Up. Joey. Got get it Joe. Joejoejoejoe. Joey. Gabe! Stop. Gabe! GAAAABE! Gabriel!"

And so she called for some 'fabulous' revelations

And I provided the entertainment. It's true what I told her for though I regret, I don't feel much affinity or closeness to my parents, I still feel like they should hear direct from me and not going through the grapevine. I don't want them to be asked one night at a dinner party, 'So how's your son's boyfriend doing in Seattle?' and for them to look back with a glaring lack of knowledge written on their faces. I want to be the one to tell them, to confirm to them that I may disappoint them, that I may not be what they expect or on the other hand, am exactly what they've expected for a long time.
If I don't tell you, it's not a snub, sometimes it's just not the right thing to do.
Thanks

Confrontation is not the key

I woke up this morning from a night of -again!- troubled sleep to find a bomb in my inbox.
She wanted to ask me last night, wanted to say, but it seems she couldn't. Therefore the better alternative was, via email, to give a push. I can understand asking; that's fine by me, but telling is not what I like. Somehow I feel betrayed by that.

I may delete this post in a few minutes but, if anyone has a reaction, email me. Please.

"I am going to tell you.
It doesn’t matter to me that you are gay. You are Patrick. I love you as you are, and only want you to be happy.
[And I’ve suspected for a long time, but Paris confirmed it]...
You are one of the nicest people I know, and if you now need to talk about how you are going to tell your parents – ‘cos they certainly don’t know yet – and that IS screwing you up – I am here to listen
Give me a ring "

Thanks Betty

Betty Bowers, America's best Christian:

"So close to Jesus, he gave me his loaves and fish recipe!"

I also hear that Betty and Laura Bush are 'great friends'.

www.bettybowers.com

Schrock's gay saga

Does this change anything? Does the idea that a homophobic, rightwing, republican congressman is in fact gay actually change anything? Will the Christian right actually alter any of their policies after the revelation that one of their kind is in fact not of the kind that they wanted?
This is entertaining news but it doesn't progress the agenda for change in society's prejudism against gays and lesbians. Though gays are seen as acceptable enough for our tv networks - gay comedy rules the roost with Will & Grace whilst the next phase of DIY shows, the genre which morphed into the reality tv boom has given us Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and the camp style of Simon Cowell is lauded on Pop and American Idol - the idea of gays and lesbians actually having rights, being recognised as capable of meaningful unions and worthy of legal recognition remains a battle yet to be won with the public and media of the western world.

Though I think it's good to expose the hypocrisy of high profile political leaders, making the act a flag waving, finger pointing exercise won't help anyone. Perhaps we shall never understand the reasons for Schrock's actions, but I'm unconvinced as to the real benefits of making him a poster child for GLBT distain.

PlanetOut story

AAArrgh!

My thoughts are too messed up and my brain too busy with thoughts of coming out to my parents, implications and alternative endings to the story that is every gay boy's issue du jour. I have someone confront me with the fact that she always says about how you might find 'someone' you love rather the typical 'girl might love', she always refers to the concept of bringing 'someone' home to my parents but for her own son talks about him bringing a girl home - though he never has.

I'm so afraid of my parents - not necessarily of what they think, but of how much influence they have over the paths in my life. I can attempt to work towards a direction of my choice, but if they have a problem with how I AM, of THE WAY I am, there's little I can do but reject those idealistic fantasies and work my way out of destitution.

Coming out is not fun queer party, it's the most nerve wracking I can ever imagine doing because it's nothing to necessarily be proud of - I'm not necessarily proud of being gay, it's just the way I am. I don't think anyone should be proud of being straight, it's just an aspect of their personality. One can be proud of the progress the community has achieved in social acceptability, in political recognition, but not of the simple act of being. I know it's a harrowing thing to do, coming out, because I've been doing it for the last year of my life; to people I work with, friends from afar, and if I have the courage and convictions, my parents.

Caroline said that I talk in my sleep. I know. I first found out about this dangerous facet of myself when I was thirteen years old on a school trip. Luckily that time in my catatonic state I asked everyone to be quiet and talked about apple pie(!). Caroline however, said that my night-time discussions with my brain were, for want of a better word, revealing. I don't want to be revealing in my sleep. I want to be unnoticed. I want to not raise alarm. I want to blend in with the crowd.

I want my life back, not this worry stricken state I am currently forced to participate in.

Late Night Upset...

I returned this on Monday from a week in Edinburgh, seeing shows and visiting family with my family. Before that I had been, for a week, in Paris, observing the city and staying with a friend.
I was whacked out from jet-lag after not being able to get to sleep until hours like 6AM local time. It's been hard adjusting to living back in the UK, seeing things differently, accepting my family and friends not being remotely the same as those I'd spent so much time with...
Each morning I'd swan downstairs in this Parisian apartment, attempting to put on a face of action, wanting to sit around and do nothing but trying to force myself to care about art galleries and European culture. It seems my efforts did not convince her or my Freudian self.

We had dinner tonight, just the two of us, her husband being at the ever-present gym. We bought the ingredients in the upmarket, overpriced supermarket in the centre of the city before taking the train back to her suburban house. The evening was quiet, especially when she told me how I, separated by a floor and several rooms from her, woke her up three times that week, crying in my sleep.

I didn't know.

I don't remember these things, I have a reputation for not remembering my dreams and I, as per usual, have no recollection of this.

She tells me how she was woken by my sobs in the middle of the night and came to my room to see what was the matter, to attempt to comfort me only to find I was deep asleep, though clearly still wracked with grief.

How does one respond to this? What exactly was I supposed to say to the revelation that my unconscious mind was not coping as bravely and steadfastly as the image my waking brain managed to impress on the world.

I didn't know what to say. What can I say?

Whatever happened?

Where did the Cranberries go? What happened to them and why are they no longer producing their not overly awe inspiring music? Also, since I only 'kind of' like them, why do I have five of their albums?
Discography