I need some inconsistency

An amalgamation of content: the aim not to politicise, but exercise. I'll think aloud about politics, technology, current news, as well as being a gay boy and what that really entails.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

My PR release

In this instance PR is not public relations, but perhaps more 'personal relations' in the public realm. I can't seem to sort it out any other way and so I think this private/public mix will work. I think it's right; I don't want it to be wrong.

What I wanted to say was that I'm sorry; not perhaps for what anything that I did, but for how I reacted. I can put on a mask with the best of them, but sometimes events just get to you and there's no way to react but with your guttural instincts and immediate responses – your real face shows through. My immediate reaction to my dilemma was to keep in contact - to try and maintain a false sense of closeness as much as possible, and to be honest that failed badly. It failed with a big fat capital F.
This is not a situation that I'm used to being in, I normally try to keep my distance from guys because I don’t want to get involved, attached and disappointed. As a result I haven’t known how to cope with my heart ripped apart – it has not been my most enjoyable experience this summer. I got so involved, got so wrapped up in the affect that I forgot to realize how it would have to end, that it would have to be bad no matter what happened because, with some situations there is no other way. And now I don’t apportion blame for how it is, for the situation.
There are things that could have been done differently, but I didn't know what at the time, didn't know how to cut myself off and become part of England again, letting go of where I had been. Missing not only a group of friends, but a whole country and way of life is very difficult to cope with. I slept in the same bed as two different people consecutively for about a month each, and when I left them, when I left them both, on the same day at the airport, I didn’t react; couldn’t react. I didn’t break down and sob at the time, because it didn’t hit me that I would not have them like I had, that I would again be alone. I’d been living a life as though it was going to carry on, as though there were no end to the situation and I could just float through the world enjoying life. However, international visas, college requirements and flight bookings slapped that idea in the face, making me take a beautiful thirty hour journey back home to become exhausted and disorientated by my ‘real’ family and their everyday personalities. It wasn’t until a few days later that I was exposed to the fullness of it. I woke up, falling off the side of my single bed, not now fighting for blankets but alone and cold. I missed her and I missed him so much that I felt compelled to call, to explain my hurt.
It became clear to me however that, though I may have wanted to keep the two of us going, to keep together, for one reason or another that would not work.

I’m still working through it and getting used to the idea of simply being friends - because I hope that’s what we can be. What I’ve found amazing about the web over the last few years is how easy it makes staying in touch and staying close if you’re willing to make the effort. She and I are such great friends that now, we can call each other over the net with Skype and talk about nothing at all – talk whilst IMing other people, talk whilst sorting laundry, simply talk – and for free. We talked tonight about what, I don’t know. I was missing some photos from our trip and we talked for an hour and two minutes whilst looking for them.

And yet, I stayed with you for almost a month, really felt I had an insight into you, but still feel scared. I’m so scared that I don’t feel I can contact you, can call you because now, it’s not what we are, it’s all about what we were. There is no laughter left, only pain and fear. All I can say is that I really had fun, I really miss having you as a friend, and that I’m sorry things haven’t turned out to be as perfect as I for one had hoped they might be. The idea of perfection is almost always disappointed but I don’t feel guilty for aiming for something good. Though I got wrapped up in it whilst you were able to rip apart the present’s paper covering and move on to greater and more important things, I’m a different person now, and I value that.

Had this never happened I’d still be fresh to the world of anguish, unready for something I now feel I can prepare myself for, and therefore I’ll now be more adjusted and primed for loss in the future. Whether that’s really true, I don’t know, but at least I can look back now and say, “well, this time isn’t quite as bad as I had it before”.

"Thanks for the summer. Thanks for putting up with me, with my funny accent, funny looks, funny words and funny behaviour. Though I’m scared of you, an odd enough thing for me at the best of time, it’d be good to hear from you… If you ever need someone to email, someone to call, I’m around and I’m waiting - I'd be happy to hear from you."



At 12:17 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Patrick - you are just the same as the rest of us - and i still think the world of you. I'm glad you have come to terms with it. I'm always here if needed.


Post a Comment

<< Home