I need some inconsistency

An amalgamation of content: the aim not to politicise, but exercise. I'll think aloud about politics, technology, current news, as well as being a gay boy and what that really entails.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Family Teambuilding

pictureMy mother and I have just finished making a massive batch of marbled brownies. I made some brownies the other day with C and she'd never even HAD brownies until a couple days before. I was floored by that. This time around we didn't cook them for quite as long (whoops!) and rather than having chocolate bread like we did then, we now have a beautiful batch of (I hope) moist, fattening, cholesterol laden goodness. I can't wait.
Though I do loads of exercise (! - not recently - !) I am the ultimate pig, I'll eat almost anything, especially if it's chocolate laden. Anything! That means you boys!

So yeah. The whole time I was trying to get an opportunity to come out to her. I leave for college in just over two days and I don't want to go without telling her. If I find some guy I really like when I'm there, I do not want to come home and not be able to be proud of him. Of course, that's one massive 'if' but it's a thought... I would be sitting there after exhausting my right arm... stirring the batter... and looking for a way in, for an opportunity. But of course I chickened out and didn't. I also think that she probably has an inkling that I'm going to try and tell her, but doesn't want me to. Of course she'll want me to be honest with her but I think that deep down, she's scared. If I were her, I would be too.

My sister told me the other day that she and my mom had talked about 'it' once. Only once and almost in passing. My mother had said how she wasn't sad about the fact that I'm gay, but that I'll have a much harder time in life as a result. I feel bad for her because in a way, I don't feel like I'll have to struggle because of it. She's lived through the gay liberation, through the time when being a homosexual was really thought of as a morally reprehensible idea, and she lived through that whilst one of her best friends was a lesbian. She's not averse to gays, but I still feel hesitant. I'd never considered that my life would be more difficult - I suppose you see what's around you as 'normal' and don't consider that how you have to live your life is more difficult than others.
Yes, there's the 'is he gay' thing when you see someone - you can't just assume a positive like all normal guys could when looking at a girl. Yes, one has to look over ones shoulder when going out to clubs, coming out of clubs, walking in the districts near clubs because they're normally in rather dodgy areas of town and you have to be careful of who might dislike you... Yes, you're far more susceptible to all the STIs going around, you're far more likely to die of HIV/AIDS than straight people. And yes, you have to consider, even within your own family, who you can or should tell - a bad reaction could mean much more than them simply not talking to you. However, I'd never considered these things to be difficult, I always have simply viewed them as a fact of life and something that one does. I don't really like having to think about whether my grandparents who at the moment appear to adore me, would even let me in the house again if I were to tell me, but that's life. Everyone has news that every once in a while may come across as bad, mine simply has the potential to always be taken badly.
I can't help it.

I think I may take a ride with her tomorrow morning to her work. I think I'll try and jump in the car with her and just sit there and talk. She'll be in traffic, I'm going to be ready for her and I'll just seize the goddawful issue by its neck and wringe it to death.

If I have the courage.


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