AAArrgh!

My thoughts are too messed up and my brain too busy with thoughts of coming out to my parents, implications and alternative endings to the story that is every gay boy's issue du jour. I have someone confront me with the fact that she always says about how you might find 'someone' you love rather the typical 'girl might love', she always refers to the concept of bringing 'someone' home to my parents but for her own son talks about him bringing a girl home - though he never has.

I'm so afraid of my parents - not necessarily of what they think, but of how much influence they have over the paths in my life. I can attempt to work towards a direction of my choice, but if they have a problem with how I AM, of THE WAY I am, there's little I can do but reject those idealistic fantasies and work my way out of destitution.

Coming out is not fun queer party, it's the most nerve wracking I can ever imagine doing because it's nothing to necessarily be proud of - I'm not necessarily proud of being gay, it's just the way I am. I don't think anyone should be proud of being straight, it's just an aspect of their personality. One can be proud of the progress the community has achieved in social acceptability, in political recognition, but not of the simple act of being. I know it's a harrowing thing to do, coming out, because I've been doing it for the last year of my life; to people I work with, friends from afar, and if I have the courage and convictions, my parents.

Caroline said that I talk in my sleep. I know. I first found out about this dangerous facet of myself when I was thirteen years old on a school trip. Luckily that time in my catatonic state I asked everyone to be quiet and talked about apple pie(!). Caroline however, said that my night-time discussions with my brain were, for want of a better word, revealing. I don't want to be revealing in my sleep. I want to be unnoticed. I want to not raise alarm. I want to blend in with the crowd.

I want my life back, not this worry stricken state I am currently forced to participate in.